I have never felt a good fit for the paper.
I knew before I started that the type of image making the paper needs was never my desired end point.
It took me a while, but I got there.
It is because I have never been a photo maker.
This I made, but it took a little time for the elements to come together. It was what the sitter asked for, job done.
This one came as I was leaving, a moment of recognition, the light, background and feel completely changed.
The closer I come to that successfully is putting people in a space and watching what happens. To take control of space and time (relatively*) and let it come naturally. I rarely have either of these in my daily life at the paper.
Sport is easy for me, because it is all recognition, even off game.
I loved shooting for the first school, because that was exactly what I had, time and space to see images. It felt free and natural to me. Few staged images (but some control and time to prepare), no titles required, just see it, shoot it, move on. The next school is similar, but not quite as easy yet. It will come.
It seems I am a decent photo recogniser or taker if you will.
The paper rarely allows me the time or resources to work as I am best suited, forcing me to adapt, which in turn is robbing me of any real reason to continue. I love photography as I have always loved it. I do not like it much at all in this other, contrived form and never will.
It is not so much a matter or failing to learn new ways, but a recognition of a genuine repulsion to a process and the results there of.
Very much not me, but front page stuff as it goes. It is like an out of body experience some times, like someone else is driving. The worst bit is I know I could have done the kids justice with a little actual rehearsal shooting, but this was all we had time for.
It is not actually new. I recognised this over a year ago, but I managed to push it aside and struggle against it, which explains my sometimes strong feelings of inadequacy and detachment from my work.
The best thing I did was go part time to chase some of the old feeling, but Japan opened my eyes to a missing something, a broken link.
How do I fix this?
Not sure, but just like AA, I guess the first step is genuine recognition and admitting I have a problem, then growing forward from there. I guess also, I have to ask myself if I want to “fix” it at all.
Video is ironically a salve. I shoot mine as an interview is happening, which on one hand gives me a natural feel, but on the other robs me of my best stills.
*Insider Dr Who joke realised there.